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All I Want
By Sofia

Summary: Angel. Spike. Angst. Sex. Kind of poetic. Angel POV.

Timeline: Post Season 6 of BtVS.

Feedback: My first A/S, so yes please.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics are not mine.

Thanks: To Lara Dean-Brierley – this is all your fault.



For Xana – you know why.


You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

You say you want (…)
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want
Is you

All I Want Is You, U2


I run my tongue over your skin, recalling the taste of coolness and forbidden, of temptation and memory. You taste of salt and sweetness, even in this, a collection of contradictions. Jagged edges and tender core. Always so easy to hurt if you know where to cut.

And I do know, don’t I? I peeled off the crusts so that only the thinnest layer of protection was ever allowed to form. So soft, so breakable. How does the song go? You break just like a little girl. And I don’t want to break you again.

I’ll be quiet this time, I’ll be careful. I’ll lick the tears that drop on your chest and I won’t scare you away. I’ll take the pain back into myself and I won’t tell of my hidden longings and of how much I missed you. You wouldn’t believe me now, would you, my love? There was a time when you would’ve believed anything I’d tell you, remember? Even the lies, you were so desperate for those.

It wouldn’t be a lie now but you’d sneer at me and let the ice mask cover your face. And I need the fire now to warm me up, I can go without it no longer.

I know we can’t recover what we once had - even as you sigh in pleasure, inside you hurt and I’m partially to blame for this new pain too, this madness that threatens to overtake you. I’ve known it too in those first years and it shames me to admit that this soul you’ve sought out to be worthy of her is the reason I’ve allowed you in. I wouldn’t have otherwise, couldn’t stain my self-righteous integrity loving a demon.

Everything always comes back to me, isn’t it? Stupid, egotistical, arrogant creature I am, always leaving, always abandoning, deserter, traitor, putting the blunders behind me and shutting eyes and ears and turning my back. I did it to you and I did it to her. One hundred years and it seems I didn’t learn a goddamn thing.  I did worse to the others. Oh, they were demons, I know. But they were also family. They were mother and son. Dam and Childe. I’m killing my family again, Will. Do you think I would‘ve killed my human sons and daughters if I had had any?

I want to ask you these things. I want you to tell me I’m not such a monster because here you are. You still live and I didn’t kill you, did I? But I know what would your answer be. You’d look at me with those eyes of yours and you’d say without words that I’ve taken everything instead and left you with nothing. I’ve failed you every other way. Where was I when hopelessness brought you to your enemies’ door? In your eyes the question would be would you have taken me in then? That’s the measure of your faith, that you’d sooner trust a mortal enemy than ask for my help. No, I didn’t kill you. Not yet, you’d say. And the only reason you’re here is because I’m the only one left. And maybe you’ve come looking for death.

So I know this doesn’t mean forgiveness. That what I give now doesn’t make up for what I took then.

But let me give it to you once again, let me trace your neck with my mouth and scrape blunt teeth over the mark there, let me renew my claim, don’t be afraid, the demon is securely tucked away because there’s no perfect happiness to be achieved here.

Let me overlook a lifetime of mistakes and ill-fated decisions as you shiver beneath me and your eyes beg me to continue, don’t stop, your voice so low and I’ve always loved your voice. Let me crush your lips in a fierce kiss as if I can swallow you whole, coax your mouth open and drink in the moans and whimpers.

My heart is pleading -- make him mine, make him mine again, give me back my wayward childe, my flesh and blood, this enrapturing creature of dream and nightmare, of crystal eyes and marble skin, give me back that sweet devotion and infuriating disdain, that heavenly body and devilish grin.

Return to me, return to me for I love you still and I’ve always have, how could I have not, forgive me never having said so before, forgive the one-hundred years I wasn’t there to caress you just so, making you gasp when I close my fingers around you and set the rhythm of this eternal dance that binds us together.

Let me walk down the path of the senses, let my mouth recover your taste, let me hear you cry out my name in needful sobs, rock your hips in helpless abandonment so I can once again press you down and hold you still, give me the scent of your lust, your ambrosial arousal, let desire guide us, let me worship this miracle of my own creation, this viciousness and this pureness, this new soul and this old mind, battered and scarred and, after so long, you’re still the same boy that bewildered me for twenty years a lifetime ago, still the same eagerness to love that sparkled such possessiveness in me, such a wish to corrupt this sacred tender sentiment, only to find myself caught, blinded by the event horizon where darkness and light meet in glorious shades.

I need you back, let me, let me inside, it is not capitulation and this time I’ll make no promises so I won’t break them, just give yourself, give in, surrender to me, just this once, just for now, shatter in my arms and I’ll make you whole again, I won’t fail you this time.

Lie down in the aftermath and whisper you belong to me. Lie to me if you must, but let me cuddle close around you, give me these few precious hours, let me be your haven tonight.

For all I want is you.



~~ Finis ~~

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