All About Spike - Plain Version
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Spike wished he could see his reflection. He didn’t feel gay and he wondered if he looked like a poofter. Intellectually, he knew that there wasn’t a poofter look, but whenever he thought about it, an image of a large, hulking man with a prominent brow, and hair gelled to stand straight up came to mind.
Before deducing that Xander had been his lover, Spike hadn’t considered the possibility that he was interested in men, mostly because of all those hard-ons he got whenever Buffy was around. Wasn’t just Buffy, either. A good number of females he’d seen on television had done it for him, too, Laura Petrie, Ginger and Maryann, Marge Simpson, and Lieutenant Van Buren on “Law and Order”.
‘Course there was also that time when he’d seen Janet Reno on C-SPAN. Now that should’ve given him a clue that he wasn’t as het as he’d thought.
The only explanation Spike could come up with for why Xander was hiding their relationship from him was the engagement. Xander was getting married to Anya. With Spike suffering from amnesia, it must have seemed like a good time to break things off.
Spike knew that Xander’s friendship was what was important. Reluctantly, he decided he would be noble and let Xander go.
* * *
A monster was terrorizing Sunnydale. According to Dawn, this happened almost every week. Buffy had insisted that Spike help hunt it and he wasn’t thrilled that he was going to miss Smallville to do so. He’d planned on taking notes on Clark and Lex’s behavior. However, he manfully swallowed his protests when he was paired with Xander.
“You haven’t been around lately,” Spike said to Xander as they patrolled together. When the words left his mouth, Spike immediately and sincerely hoped that they hadn’t sounded too whiny.
Xander simply shrugged in response as he scanned the wooded area they’d been assigned to search.
“I’ve been busy. The wedding’s coming up and Anya’s starting to freak.”
“How are you handling it?”
“Me? I’m fine. Seems all I’ve got to do is show up and say ‘I do’. Can’t make that much of a mess of things.”
Spike stopped and looked at Xander. Xander’s tone had sounded so defeated. Weren’t weddings supposed to be happy events?
It took Xander a few seconds to realize that Spike wasn’t still walking beside him. When he turned back around, he found Spike studying him, his head tilted at an angle.
“You’re not fine,” Spike finally said.
“Of course, I’m fine. I’m marrying the woman I love. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together, having sex, making children eventually, but not now, because Anya thinks we should buy a house first and she feels that those kind of investments in the future are very, very important and….”
Xander ran out of steam. There was a log nearby, and he sat down on it, putting his elbows on his knees and his hands in his face.
“Spike, I’m terrified.”
Spike sat on the log next to him.
“Makes sense. Big commitment.”
“I used to be so sure. Now…I don’t know anymore.”
“Think about why you got together in the first place.”
“That’s easy – sex.”
“I am serious. It was sex. I’d gone through a bad breakup with someone. Someone that none of my friends even liked, so I couldn’t go to them for sympathy. Then Anya came along.”
“Sorry about that.”
“You should be. The break up was your fault. Well, mostly your fault, anyway.”
Spike couldn’t believe his ears. Not only was Xander confessing that they’d had a relationship, he was also letting Spike know that he was miserable with Anya. At that moment, Spike decided to toss that noble ‘letting Xander go’ crap away. All was fair in love and war, right? Wasn’t sure of the love part, but he could definitely turn this into a war.
In the meantime, Xander hadn’t noticed his preoccupation and was still blathering on.
“If you hadn’t taken me to that burnt up warehouse and…”
A loud crashing through the trees interrupted him. Spike and Xander stood up and slowly began backing away in the opposite direction.
“Spike, your eyes are better than mine. What’s it look like?”
“Still a bit far away…oh, oh dear God, it’s horrible.”
“Monstrous. Xander, you do know that I don’t remember how to fight, right?” Spike said, his eyes still fixed on the approaching creature.
“Yeah, but that’s okay. Just do what I do.”
Xander tensed and took a deep breath. Then he screamed.
Spike screamed for Buffy, too. And when Xander began to run away, Spike was only two steps behind him.
Moments later, Clem emerged into the clearing and shook his head in puzzlement. He didn’t understand why Spike had run. Sure, Spike owed him three kittens, but it wasn’t like Clem was going to kill him over a debt.
* * *
The next afternoon, as Dawn ate her after school snack of cabbage, Spike sat down next to her. Dawn raised her eyebrows at him.
“What?” she asked.
“What do you mean what? Can’t I want your company?”
“Ha, right. Now, spill. What do you want?”
Spike sighed. “Need some advice. When you like someone, what do you do?”
“What do I, personally, do or what do you do?”
“Me, I suppose.”
“You usually knock them out somehow and chain them up.”
“Oh.” Spike thought about that for a minute. “And that works?”
“No,” answered Dawn, who took another bite of cabbage and began chewing while Spike stared at her.
“Fine. What do you do, then?”
Dawn swallowed her mouthful, and then smiled beatifically at Spike.
“I usually giggle and flirt and then embarrass myself trying to get his attention.”
“And that works?” asked Spike.
“Uh…not so far,” answered Dawn. “Actually, I was thinking I might try your ‘chain them up’ method next time.”
For a few minutes the only sound that could be heard was Dawn chewing more of her cabbage.
“Hey, Buffy’s had boyfriends, right? Maybe I should ask her.”
“Why ask her? I can tell you.”
“Riight. Like she shares that sort of thing with her innocent sis.”
“No, she doesn’t, but…” Dawn leaned over and whispered conspiratorially “Buffy used to keep a diary.”
“And you’ve read it, “ Spike concluded.
Dawn vigorously nodded her head.
“You really are an outrageously bratty, nosy, wonderfully evil woman, aren’t you?” Spike told her and Dawn grinned happily. “Okay, how does Buffy get her man?”
“That’s easy. She kills things around the guy she likes. I think it gets them all hot and bothered. The whole life in jeopardy thingamabob.” Dawn looked at Spike. “It’s not really a method most people can use, though.”
* * *
There were a few boards on the back porch that were rotting through and Buffy had called Xander to ask if he could fix them for her. That evening, when Xander arrived with his tools and lumber, Spike was standing in the shadows of the house waiting for him.
Spike watched Xander as he walked over to test each section of the porch, finding not only the two slats that Buffy had noticed, but an additional three that were also rotting. Xander glanced up when he saw that Spike was still there.
“You want me for something?”
Oh, he really didn’t just say that, did he? Spike thought.
“Actually was wondering if you needed a hand,” Spike managed to reply.
“I can handle it myself.” When Spike still stood there, staring at him, Xander sighed. “Listen, if you want to help, fine. You know anything about carpentry?”
Spike tried very hard not to roll his eyes. “Wouldn’t remember it if I did, now would I?”
“Got me there. I’ll show you what to do. First of all, I need to get a crowbar out of my car to get these rotten planks up.”
Leaning over, Spike wiggled his fingers into the tiny crannies where part of the board had rotted away and yanked. The board came up with a splintering shriek. Spike tossed it aside, and then went to work on the remaining four. When he finished, he was pleased to see that Xander was staring at him.
“Or we could just rip them out with our bare hands,” Xander finally said, his eyes still wide, “Next we measure, then cut the boards down to size. Now when we cut, we use a saw. Got that? A saw. We don’t just gnaw off the extra with our fangs.”
Xander winked at him and Spike felt his dead heart give a lurch in response.
Spike watched as Xander set up his portable workbench and clamped a measured board onto it. He began sawing and was soon almost halfway through the wood, when he paused and turned to Spike.
“Okay, you finish it up.”
Spike grabbed the saw and jerked it back and forth, before Xander stopped him.
“No, you’re not doing it right.” Xander placed his hand on Spike’s and adjusted Spike’s grip on the handle. Leaning over him, Xander guided Spike’s movements.
“Okay, now what you want are nice even strokes. Don’t press too hard or too softly. Just push it down, then pull it back, push down, pull back, push, pull. That’s it, Spike. See, it’s not that hard.”
“Speak for yourself,” Spike muttered.
* * *
Spike glanced over his shoulder and a triumphant smile spread over his features, which he quickly hid. Throughout the evening, Spike had carefully done his best to flirt with Xander without actually doing anything one could call flirting. Then there were all the casual touches, the brushing up against Xander as he moved past, the rubbing of shoulders as they worked side by side, nothing anyone could point to, but it had all finally paid off.
Xander was supposed to be watching him nail down the last plank. Now, as Spike twitched his hips again, he knew that Xander was staring at his arse.
Spike twitched some more and he heard Xander swallow heavily.
“Um…Spike?” Xander ventured, his voice low.
“You know, there’s a cream for that.”
Spike stopped pretending to concentrate on his hammering and turned to stare at Xander, whose face was beginning to get red under his tan.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been, ah, uncomfortable. There’s some cream you can buy at the drugstore that should help with all that twitching.
So much for Dawn’s method of getting a man, Spike thought. Did the flirting bit, did the embarrass myself bit - didn’t work. But at least I didn’t giggle, he thought proudly.
A minute later, Xander cracked a joke and Spike found himself giggling. Then he wondered if Buffy’s boyfriend getting method of killing things might work because if things continued like this, he was going to kill himself.
* * *
Andrew stared at the computer monitor and once again cursed that there wasn’t any audio to go along with the video.
Spike truly was the most cunning of vampires. Somehow, he’d infiltrated the Slayer’s home, and was currently on a mission to corrupt the heroic, but incredibly naïve people that surrounded her. Andrew had watched in awe, no, in horror, as Spike had presented himself for Xander. Xander whose will must be iron hard, as hard as….
“Hey, Andrew, anything interesting going on at the Buffy’s place?” asked Jonathan as he walked by, carrying a bottle of yoohoo.
“No,” Andrew blurted, as he moved to block the monitor from Jonathan’s view. “No, nothing is happening. Some very, very minor home repair. That’s all.
Jonathan was looking at him strangely so Andrew gave him his best ‘I’m not up to anything’ smile. After a few seconds of intense scrutiny, Jonathan continued on his way.
When Andrew was positive that Jonathan was gone, he swiftly turned back to the computer screen. Would the sexy, evil, leather-clad blond enthrall the honorable carpenter? Andrew could hardly wait to find out.
* * *
Spike and Xander sat on the steps and drank beer while idly watching Buffy attempt to get four bags of trash in a can that could hold two bags at the most. She’d refused their offer of help, telling them that fixing the porch had been more than enough for one day.
“So,” said Spike as casually as he could, “how’s Anya?”
“She’s okay. A bit angry that I’m over here instead of going over the seating arrangements for the ninety-first time.”
“Seems like you two fight a bit.”
“Nah, only when we’re awake.”
When Spike failed to even chuckle at Xander’s tiny stab at humor, Xander looked at him. Spike appeared to be gearing up to say something important.
“Xander, have you ever considered that maybe she’s not the one for you? Maybe there’s someone else. Someone you care about, or used to care about.”
Xander’s eyes flickered to Buffy for a moment. Currently she was pummeling one of the extra bags and it looked seriously wounded, oozing something that resembled spaghetti sauce from a rip in the side.
“Nope,” Xander finally answered. “Not going there again. Been there, got my heart stomped.”
“Never going to make a return visit, then?” prodded Spike.
“Only if this time I get an engraved invitation,” answered Xander with a smile.
* * *
The next evening, Buffy, Spike, and Dawn were just about finished washing the supper dishes when Dawn asked, “Spike, you did make a dessert for that party I’m going to tonight, right?”
“Sure. Made biscuits.”
“Biscuits?” asked Dawn, puzzled.
“Cookies,” Buffy supplied.
“Oh, cookies are fine. Just as long as it’s not brownies. Janet’s making those.”
Spike saw Buffy look closely at Dawn who was doing her best to avoid Buffy’s gaze.
“Those brownies of Janet’s, she’s not going to” Buffy glanced over at Spike, “make them um…evil or anything, right?”
“Buffy! Of course they’re not going to be evil.”
“Good, because if she did make evil brownies and if you ate those evil brownies, then you’d be in big trouble.”
Seemed like everything was evil in Sunnydale, thought Spike. Even brownies.
* * *
Spike opened the door and let Xander in.
Dawn was at her party and Buffy had called to say she was going to be extremely late. When Spike had realized that the house was going to be empty except for him, he decided it was time to act. He called up Xander and despite some half-asleep grumbling, had convinced Xander to come over.
“So, where’s this emergency you were ranting about on the phone?” Xander asked as he stepped inside. He glanced at Spike, then did a double take.
“Is there some desperate shirt shortage I don’t know about, cause you’ve got an awful lot of skin showing there.”
Glancing down at his bare chest, Spike spoke, “Does it offend you?”
“No, all that whiteness is a bit blinding, but not offensive, unless you have something against muscles, well-defined six-packs, taut…hey, is Buffy around?” Xander asked, forcing his gaze away from Spike.
“She called. Some old boyfriend came by and needed her help with something. Might be out all night.”
“Angel?” asked Xander in a high-pitched voice. “Angel’s in town?”
“No, some git named Riley.”
Xander went from freaked out to excited in two seconds flat.
“Riley’s back? That’s great! That’s wonderful. Buffy must be thrilled.”
An unexpected wave of jealousy swept through Spike. He didn’t remember this Riley character, but he didn’t like the way the prat’s name made Xander all bouncy. Hadn’t liked how Buffy had just run off with him, either, when you got right down to it.
“Don’t think he’s come back for good. Buffy said something ‘bout demon hunting.”
“Oh, well. A visit’s good, too.”
Xander was so excited about the prospect of seeing Riley that when Spike led the way up the stairs and to his bedroom, Xander unthinkingly followed, chatting about things he wanted to talk to Riley about.
Inside Spike was fuming. He didn’t want Xander talking to this Riley. He didn’t want Xander spending time with him. Xander was his, or was going to be his, just as soon as he stole him away from Anya.
When Spike closed the bedroom door behind them, Xander looked around and realized where he was.
“So, what’s up?” Xander asked.
“I am,” snarled Spike, slamming Xander up against the bedroom door and pinning him there with his body.
“Spike? Spike! What the heck is this?” Xander squeaked.
Spike licked his lips in anticipation and eyed the man squirming against him.
“It’s exactly what you wanted, Xander”, he whispered in a voice husky with desire. “An engraved invitation.”
Leaning his head forward, Spike’s lips met Xander’s.
Spike did everything he could think of. He licked and stroked with his tongue. His teeth nipped at Xander’s lips. He used his hands to caress and tease Xander’s cheek, neck, and the line of his jaw. Finally, finally, he could feel Xander stop struggling. After a few more minutes, he felt Xander’s tongue tentatively touch his lips and Spike groaned in response.
Time to move this along, Spike thought. Move it several steps along, all of which were in the general direction of the bed. When Spike lay down and pulled Xander on top of him, he knew that everything was just how it was supposed to be. All was right with the world at last.
The bedroom door opened.
“Xander! Spike!” a female voice screamed. “What are you doing on my bed?”
Willow had come home.
Continued in Part 4
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