All About Spike - Plain Version
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Chapter: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Love is Blind
"It is not love but lack of love which is blind"
-- Glenway Westcott
They slid to the floor together, Spike still inside her, both of them shaking from the combined power of their respective climaxes. The Slayer ended up on top, her forehead resting against the vampire's chest while she struggled to draw air back into her oxygen-deprived lungs, waiting for the trembling to subside.
It did, finally. And awareness began to flow once more through Buffy. She had just had sex with Spike. Wild, passionate, violent sex. Angry sex.
Really, really great sex.
But that's all it was. And she was so never going to do it again. Hastily the Slayer pulled away, fiercely ignoring the part of her that regretted the loss as she withdrew from him. Then she reached for her pants laying nearby and pulled them on, not even bothering with underwear...and not looking at the vampire beside her.
He was watching her though. She could feel his eyes on her as she got to her feet, feel his gaze burning as she picked up her shirt. Turning her back, Buffy pulled it on quickly, hoping he wouldn't notice just how much her hands were shaking.
"So that's it then?" Spike said flatly, at last. "Got it all out of your system, did you?"
Buffy froze. "Is that what you think I was doing?" she asked, her voice taut with tension.
He climbed to his feet, the sound of his zipper going up shockingly loud in the silence of the crypt.
"Wasn't it?" the vampire asked bitterly. "You had an itch and you got it scratched. Now you can scarper back home and convince yourself it was all just hormones. Or misplaced gratitude. Temporary bloody insanity, maybe."
At that, Buffy did turn, chewing on her bottom lip as she gazed at him.
"Well, wasn't it?"
"You tell me."
No. She wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to get into a war of words with him. Not now. Not ever again, if she could help it. Shivering slightly, Buffy bent, picked up her shoes, then finally straightened...and looked him in the eye.
"You're right, Spike," she said at last. "It wasn't just hormones. Or gratitude -- although I can't vouch for the sanity part of the equation. And yes, it...it was great sex. But that's all it was. And I...I just need to go now, get away from..."
You. She didn't have to say the word. It hung there, unspoken, hovering between the two of them. The Slayer flinched inwardly. She hadn't meant that to come out the way it had. She really didn't want to hurt him. But neither could she deal with what had just happened, what she had done. What she was.
"You're such a hypocrite, Summers."
Buffy blinked, starting slightly. "I'm a what?"
"You heard." Spike moved closer, crowding her. "You say one thing but it's not what you really mean. So how 'bout I tell you what's going on in your head and save you the bother?"
"How about you don't?"
He ignored her, forging onward as if she had not spoken. "It's already driving you off your trolley," he said matter of factly, "how you gave yourself to me and how much you wanted it. No hesitation, no holding back. You asked me to take you and I did. And you loved it. But now you're scared that maybe you loved it too much. That maybe once isn't gonna be enough."
Buffy frowned. "Conceited much."
"Facts are facts, love. Speaking of...how 'bout the fact that you just got all up close and personal with the enemy? The Slayer having sex with a vampire, and him with no soul to justify it? Can't tell me that one's not bothering you. What would your bleeding Watcher say? Or the Slayerettes? The human boyfriend thing didn't work out and now you're scared to death you're always gonna need the monsters. Which makes you what? One of us."
Buffy stirred sharply, but he kept going, still not giving her a chance to respond.
"But you know what your biggest fear is, the one that's got you shaken down to the bloody core? It's not that I love you -- so bloody what, right Slayer? No, it's that maybe, just maybe, you love me back, no matter how hard you try to fight it. And that scares you more than anything. More than all the creatures in the night trying to kill you. More than being blind. More than dying, even."
A pang went through Buffy but she closed her eyes, shaking her head. "You're wrong."
"Am I?" he asked, edging closer, his voice softer now. "I know you, Slayer. Said so yourself. And I know you would never have done what we just did if you didn't have feelings for me in there somewhere. Maybe not a lot yet, and probably buried pretty deep. But they're there. And you know it."
She shook her head vehemently. "No."
Another step closer. "So if I do this then..." He leaned over and kissed her lightly then moved slowly downward, his mouth tracing light patterns against the underside of her jaw, just barely grazing the skin.
"...So if I do this, it means nothing to you?"
Spike's lips found the puncture marks on her neck and traced them slowly with his tongue. Buffy whimpered.
"No," she said breathlessly, a moment later, her hands curling into fists with the effort it was taking to not reach for him. "I can't do this, Spike. Not again."
Spike pulled back slightly and ran one hand across her shoulder, evoking a shiver.
"No. 'Cause that would make it real, wouldn't it? Once --well, you can write that off as a mistake. One-time deal. But twice...you do this twice with me and it becomes real. No going back then."
Buffy shuddered. He was right. And she didn't want this to be real, didn't want to feel this pull toward a vampire. Toward this vampire. Once, and she could still pretend, could go back to telling herself lies. But twice...
Something of what she must have been thinking must have shown on her face, because Spike took a step backward, his hand falling away from her shoulder.
"I want you to stay," he said simply. "But it's up to you. You leave and I'm not going to try to stop you, not gonna let you convince yourself later on that I seduced you into it. You stay...it's 'cause you want to. Your choice, pet. Tell me what you want."
A sense of tired anger went through Buffy. Why couldn't he be wrong? Just once? Was that too much to ask? Obviously yes, because every word he had spoken was true. Which left her where? As one of the monsters, like he had said. Incapable of ever having a normal life, of loving someone normal, someone human. Of being human. Self-pity hovered for an instant, but she banished it quickly. So what if she couldn't have a normal life? She wasn't normal. And she wasn't human, at least not in the regular sense of the word. She was the Slayer.
So maybe it was time she started reaching out for whatever happiness she could find, in whatever time she might have. Even if she did keep finding it in the strangest of places...
And he did love her. If there had been any doubt left in Buffy's mind, it had vanished the moment when the vampire's arms had tightened around her, whispering her name and holding her as if she was the only thing that mattered in his world.
Spike loved her. And...and she had feelings for him too. They were too new and too deeply buried to bear much in the way of scrutiny, but they were definitely there. So why not? Why not do what she wanted for once? Be Buffy and not the Slayer. Just for a while. What could it hurt?
Ignoring the part of her that instantly began screaming a long list of all the ways it could hurt, Buffy took a step forward and reached one hand out, holding it flat against the centre of Spike's chest, noting once again the lack of a heartbeat and feeling the cool, hard planes of his body through the thin material of his t-shirt. And she decided.
"I want to dance," Buffy said slowly, looking up to meet Spike's eyes.
And then she said nothing else, for a very, very long time.
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