Dedicated to Laura (drinkthepoisonx) who swears she will archive it and I'm holding her to it because I'm sick that way. Theirloveissocumtastic.
Spoilers for As You Were
Summary: Spike wants extra money for the Slayer. Clem calls in his cousin, Bill, to help out. Inspired by the James C. Leary movie Stunt C*cks.
He pushes his wrist flablets up so he can check his Casio. Nine o'clock, and it looks like everything is ready! He can't contain his grin. Spike is gonna be so surprised!
There's the sound of heavy booted footsteps from outside, and then the door slams open, as a very pissed off vampire lurches into the crypt. There's a half finished bottle of liquor hanging loosely in his right hand, and a burning cigarette in his left.
He stops dead in the doorway. "What the fuck are you doing here, mate?" His eyebrow rises as he sees the candles arranged along the edges of the crypt, and the lumpy pile of bedding on the crypt.
Clem's creased skin creases further with his glee. "Isn't it great? Darious went to pick up Bill and Earl up from the bus station."
Spike's head dangles low and he takes a long drag of his cigarette. "Right. And my bloody crypt looks like the set of Dracula Does Dallas why?"
"Because it is!"
Giddy with excitement, Clem exclaims, "Yeah, exactly! My cousin, Bill, he's a stunt cock! And he was telling Aunt Mamie that his director was looking for a unique location."
"Unique?" There's warning in Spike's voice, but Clem is cheerfully oblivious.
"Come on, Spike. You said you needed extra cash for the Slayer. Didn't you want to take her out? Stop her from working at the Doublemeat? Anyway, I promised Bill."
Spike swigs from the bottle. He slouches down against the edge of the sarcophagus, runs a hand through his hair. "I dunno, Clem."
"Bill's totally cool. He once invited these three girls over to his place when I was there -- they were all porn stars and they were so nice.
Which was neat, because the fame wasn't going to their heads, you know? We were talking about The Wedding Planner."
"They're not gonna mess up your crypt, they promised. They just want to set up downstairs and use your bedroom -- they want a dungeon thing. Look, I even brought your stuff up here so it wouldn't get wrecked."
"Look, mate, I can see you're just trying to be helpful ..."
"They'll pay you!"
There's a pause. "How much?"
In answer, Clem holds up a wad of cash.
There's a knock at the door before it swings open. Several men come in, two wearing bathrobes.
Smirking, Spike says, "Which of you is part foreskin demon?"
"No, man, it's okay." The taller man comes towards them. "I'm Bill. You must be Spike."
Spike stares at the outstretched hand. "Yeah. So?"
The guy named Bill looks a bit discomfited, but shakes it off. "Great place you've got here."
The other guy -- Earl -- moves out of the doorway to allow a blonde and another man entry. The director, obviously, from the way he's talking.
"So I'm thinking we'll shoot the manacle cum shot with the warlock downstairs. Vonessa, we'll get Earl to do his thing, the warlock slips and falls, and you try to escape, then --"
Spike snorts and stubs out his cigarette.
The director stops in mid-sentence, wheeling around to stare at Spike.
"Whoa. You the owner?"
"Spike," the director repeats, savouring the sounds. "You have one great look. Retro's in. Ever acted?"
Sneering, Spike says, "Ate James Dean. That count?"
"Didn't he die in a car accident?"
Folding his arms, Spike winks lasciviously at Vonessa, who simpers and circles one nipple with her pinky finger. "You a star, love?"
"Totally, baby. You want me to show you?"
"What's this movie called anyway?"
"It's called Fuck Warriors of Tomorrow," Clem says proudly. "Bill and Earl are the stars. You know they've won awards?"
"Clem, don't--" Bill looks vaguely embarrassed.
"It's about this guy called the Doctor, and he's this crazy mad scientist," Clem continues, "who's breeding corn-holing CumCreatures in his dungeon."
"Yeah, Steve, the props guy found these great eggs for the Doctor. Apparently when they hatch it'll look really authentic! They'll want to leave them here maybe, in case of reshoots." Clem looks worried. "That's okay, right?"
"Need you on set, guys," interrupts the director. "Come on!" The two stunt cocks give him a mock salute.
"Hey, thanks," says Earl to Spike. "We really appreciate you letting us barge in like this."
"They are so nice," Clem says.
As they all go down to the lower level, Spike shakes his head and pulls himself up onto the sarcophagus. He picks up his book, thumbs it open.
From downstairs he can hear the faint strains of "Eye of the Tiger".