Sequel to Who's Been Shaggin in My Bed
Fic Notes: Due to popular demand (ok - 4 people) this is a sequel to "Who's Been Shagging in My Bed" --- sorta.
"Andrew, what the hell is this?" Buffy waved the magazine in his face.
Andrew gulped. "Hi Buffy." He tried to keep his expression innocent
as he reached to take the periodical from her. "Guess I left that in
Buffy put it behind her back, well out of his reach. "Am I going to
have to tie you up again?"
Xander stopped working on the window to watch the proceedings. "Take
it easy Buff. Just a guy in the bathroom with a magazine. Happens all
Buffy spun toward him. "Have you read this? Have you?!" She flapped
it in the air indignantly. Andrew tried unsuccessfully to snag it
again. Buffy backed him down with her murderous glare.
Xander sauntered over and looked at the title. "'Forbidden Romance'?
What, you couldn't find a `Hustler' anywhere?" Xander took the
magazine and flipped through it to see if it concealed any more
interesting content. "Uh, Buffy? Are you sure this is Andrew's?
"Read this." Buffy opened it to page twenty-seven. She poked it
with her index finger. "Read this!"
"'Sweet Submission' by Andrew Guestage." Xander looked up, his eyes
filled with shock. "Andrew, you're writing romantic fiction?"
"I prefer to think of it as fictionalized observation,." Andrew
"Ha!" Buffy yelled. "Fictionalized isn't the word for it. He's
writing about me and he's... he's twisting everything to make it look
like I'm… like we're... Ah! I'm going to kill him."
"Let me see." Xander took the book from her again.
"No!" Buffy snatched it back.
"What's the deal? You told me to look at it."
"I didn't want you to read it!"
"C'mon Buff. What's he going to write? Ninety-five pound high school
counselor beats up bad guys? No reason to sweat. No one would
"You think that is what the twit has been writing? Read it!" She
handed Xander the magazine, then pulled it back again. "No, don't."
"Stop yelling." Anya wandered in from the kitchen. "You're disturbing
the yoga session. It's the only thing that keeps the annoying
While Buffy was distracted Xander plucked the magazine from her
hand. "Let me see." He read for a second then looked at
Andrew. "Tiffany the Troll Destroyer?"
"It's artistic license," Andrew defended.
"Trolls?" Anya moved over to Xander's side. "I know a lot about
trolls. Is Olaf in here?" She took the book from Xander.
"Just give me the stupid thing," Buffy insisted.
"Stop being rude, Buffy," Anya chastised. "I'm reading here." She
focused her eyes on a paragraph. "She fell into the forbidden embrace
of her demon lover, caressing his lean but well muscled torso and
tangling her fingers in his bright white hair." Anya looked up. "Why
Buffy. This sounds just like you and Spike!"
Xander snorted,. "An, Buffy wouldn't..."
"Give it back!" Buffy shouted and grabbed for the book. Anya moved it
behind her back, only to have it grabbed away by Xander.
"Let me see that again." He turned the page and read further, a frown
growing across his features. "Take me Shiv! Take my neck and drink
from me and make me your...?" Xander looked up, confused. "What is
"A chilled?" Anya asked. "That doesn't make any sense. Let me see."
She leaned over to look
"C-H-I-L-D-E? Xander, that's 'Childe'. It's an overdramatic term
used to describe the relationship between a vampire and his… his…"
She turned her head and shouted into the kitchen. "Spike come out
"Noooo...." Buffy whimpered.
"What?" Spike entered the room. Buffy's back stiffened and Xander
narrowed his eyes, watching the interplay of the couple suspiciously.
"What do you call it when you've made another vampire?" Anya asked,
missing the tense overtones in the room.
"Siring?" Spike asked.
"No. We know all about that. What do you call your progeny?"
Spike stopped with his hands on his hips and thought it over. "Don't
know that I ever named one of mine." He quirked his eyebrow. "You
want to know what Drusilla used to call me?"
"Please yes,." Andrew answered.
There was a chorus of "No!" from everyone else in the room.
"What's this about anyway?"
"Nothing," Buffy stated. "Xander and Anya were just leaving and I was
going to torture Andrew.
"I want to stay for that," Anya protested. "The geek squeals in a
strangely satisfying way."
"And I want to know where Andrew got this whole idea of Buffy and
Spike from." Xander gestured toward the suddenly silent pair. "I mean
her with him and the whole clothes ripping and heaving breasts and…"
He trailed off. "There isn't any breast heaving going on, is there?"
"No heaving." Buffy said. "None. I mean look at me. What's to heave?"
As the others nodded in agreement she glanced at Spike guiltily,
taking in the hurt on his face. "Maybe some minor breath catching,
and a smidgen of awkwardness…"
"But no clothes ripping," Spike added.
"Definitely none of that," Buffy agreed. "And… and no biting of any
"Biting?" Spike asked. "You think I'd bite her?" His face darkened in
anger and he took a step toward Xander.
"Not me... him!" Xander raised the magazine protectively between
himself and the advancing vampire and pointed at Andrew.
"The squeaky nerd wrote a story," Anya explained. "It's a thinly
disguised account about you and Buffy. Xander's mad because he
doesn't want to see what's right under his nose and Buffy's mad
because she's all full of the delusion that nobody can see how she
feels about you, and you're there trying to act all noble and stiff
with the upper lip, but you won't even give a thought to another
attractive eligible female who is right in the same house with you
because you're so hung up on Buffy. It's ridiculous!"
"Exactly!" Andrew responded happily.
"I see just fine!" Xander said.
"I am not in denial," Buffy said.
"Bloody hell," Spike said.
"I'm going back to my apartment now." Anya turned to Andrew. "Do you
mind if I take this with me?" She grabbed the magazine away from
"Go right ahead," Andrew said. "I have more."
"More?" Buffy said. "How many more?"
"Eleven. It's the first time I've been officially published, except
for a few letters to the editor at Marvel, and I bought a dozen from
the drug store right next to the butcher shop."
"Where are they Andrew?" Buffy gritted out.
"Oh, all over. I gave one to Dawn and one to that wrinkly guy who
comes over to see Spike and one to the trainees that they're all
"I'm stopping this right now," Buffy declared. "Xander, go gather
everyone in the house. I want them to bring the magazines, we'll
account for them all..." She stopped and fixed a steely glare on
Andrew. "...and burn them."
"Not this one!" Anya said as she hurried to the door. "But don't
worry Buffy, I promise I won't show it to anybody." She opened the
door and ran into Willow.
"See you later Willow!" Anya greeted her, then disappeared out the
Willow entered the room excitedly. "Buffy, you won't believe what I
just found when I was at the butcher shop!" She held up "Forbidden
Romance". "These things are everywhere and there's a story in here
that could be about you if your name was Tiffany and you were having
a wild affair with..." She stopped, noticing the angry glares of the
others. "... with someone you'd never have an affair with because
he's been recently homicidal, not to mention insane and you already
knew about this, huh?"
"Willow. Please tell me that when you said everywhere you didn't mean
"Well, um, sorta everywhere in the all over downtown way." Willow's
eyes widened in panic. "But don't worry, because all those people
reading it would never guess that this is about you, in spite of all
the fact you live on Revello Drive and work at the school."
The silence in the room was overwhelming.
"How 'bout I whip up a handy dandy 'forget' spell?"
"Ohhh!" Buffy put her hand over her eyes and sank onto the
couch. "Andrew, why? Why did you have to write this?"
"Buffy, I have a sacred duty to leave behind a record of your valiant
exploits so that future generations can know of your sacrifices and
your bravery. And you broke my camera."
Willow sat beside her friend. "Hey, nobody really believes this stuff
anyway. I mean look how this is written." Willow turned to page
thirty-one. "Here, listen to this. 'He barely dared touch her, for he
knew without a doubt that he would be lost. But she was the face of
his redemption and they were tied to one another for all time. As he
drew her close she reached out with her fingertip to trace the scar
on his left eyebrow...'"
"What the bleeding hell is this?" Spike erupted.
"So now you care?" Xander asked. "And what is this about scar
tracing?" He looked a Buffy. "Is there scar tracing now?"
"Hey! Not to worry," Willow said. "Look, it's almost done. There's
only one more paragraph and it's just kissing. I mean really hot and
wet kissing that's pretty... descriptive. Then it's over. No
"What's that?" Buffy pointed to the bottom of the page. "What are
those three letters?"
"Oh I didn't see that," Willow said. "T B C."
"T B C?" Buffy rose from the couch. "Andrew, please tell me that T B
C doesn't mean..."
"To be continued?" Andrew squeaked.
"You mean there's more of this drivel?" Spike advanced on him.
Andrew's gaze darted between the two ticked off super-powered beings
and he backed up nervously. "It's uh, it's just a short sequel," he
gulped. "Where in which Tiffany the Destroyer of Trolls discovers
that she's with child just as she thinks that Shiv has been taken
from her arms forever." He swallowed again, "It's called 'Sweet
"Give it to me Andrew," Buffy gritted out. "I'm going to burn it
before anyone else ever gets a chance to read it."
"Well you see, there's a problem," Andrew told her as he maneuvered
himself behind a chair. "It was submitted two weeks ago and will be
featured in the September issue." Andrew gave her a bright smile. "I
have a letter!"
"Look at it this way, luv," Spike told her. "We lose the next
apocalypse and nobody is around to read it."
"See there?" Xander clapped an arm around her shoulders. "Worst case
scenario is that nobody is around except demons and we all know they
have better things to do than read this stuff."
The doorbell rang and Willow rose to answer it.
"Hey!" He waved at everyone. "I was wondering if I could speak
with..." he pointed at Andrew. "What's his name again?"
"Mud." Buffy said.
"Uh, yeah." Clem agreed uncertainly. "I was wondering if he had any
more of these." He held up a tattered copy of 'Forbidden Romance'.
The guys down at Willy's were fighting over this one. They love this
stuff. There's a story in here that sounds just like you and..."
"Hey, temper!" Clem threw up his hand as if to ward off Buffy's
wrath. He sidled over to Spike. "You didn't tell me you two had
started up again."
"We haven't," Spike told him grimly. He turned to Buffy. "Where's the
ponce getting these ideas?"
"This is all your fault!" She blustered.
"You're blaming this on me?"
"Yes you, with your mooniness and standing around by me all the time."
"Oh, and this has nothing to do with you feeling me up in front of
the birds? Or strolling around the house in your knickers?"
"It was a camisole, and you didn't look anyway."
"So you noticed that, did you?"
"Stop it!" Buffy stomped her foot. "That's it. This discussion is
over. Xander go to work. Take Clem with you. Willow, check on the
girls. Spike, you come with me." She stopped and took a deep
breath. "Andrew you go wherever it is that you go when you're not
constantly under my feet. And no more stories!"
She turned and strode out of the almost empty room, followed closely
by Spike. Andrew waited until he heard a door shut somewhere in the
back part of the house before making his way over to the couch. He
lifted up the cushion on the right and reached down to retrieve his
journal. With one last look around to ensure that he wasn't
observed, he opened the book and began to write.