Author's Note: For some reason, my husband just adores the ditzy Harmony
Kendall. Thinks she's great comic relief and will happily re-watch any episode she's in, particularly those after she's become a vampire. After seeing the AtS episode Disharmony, he gave me the inspiration for this fic. Remember, the business cards are all his fault.
The setting draws very loosely on elements of the "Life in Sunnydale" series (Spike is involved with the Magic Box). It's sometime beyond the end of S6 and
Spike and Buffy are getting along. This is supposed to be silly and fluffy, written primarily to entertain my husband during an illness.
It was the most beautiful thing she thought
she had ever seen. The background was a soft floral pattern,
a perfect setting for the name and title she had ordered,
all done in flowing script: "Harmony Kendall, Master
Vampire." As far as Harmony was concerned, the small
line drawing of a unicorn in the upper right corner was the
"They're just want I wanted!" she
squealed, her voice echoing through the Sunnydale Business
District branch of Kinko's. She practically jumped up and
down in excitement before she remembered that Master Vampires
did not jump up and down. Composing herself, she adopted a
haughty attitude. "They are quite acceptable."
She wondered why the clerk behind the counter
looked so nervous and acted like he wanted to be anywhere
It was the most hideous thing he had ever
seen and that was saying something, given nearly a century
and a quarter of living and who his companions had been for
some of that period. Kitschy flower background made worse
by the pathetic unicorn in the corner. The choice of typeface
was revolting to all sense of design and who in their right
mind would want to have a business card that said, "Harmony
Kendall, Master Vampire?"
Oh. Just wasn't his day, now was it?
Despite the small voice in his head that screamed
for him to run for the hills before the horror that was Harm,
Spike couldn't resist silently sauntering up behind her, then
reaching out to pluck the card from her fingers. "You
have got to be kidding."
She spun around at the sound of his voice,
looking for all the world like she'd been caught doing something
she shouldn't. "Spikey! I mean, Spike."
This was too delicious. She was trying to
puff herself up again, be the Big Bad instead of the spoilt
child who'd stomped her way out of his lair. Somehow, the
memory of the crossbow bolt she'd embedded in his shoulder
had faded with time. "What could you possibly be thinking,
Harm? I mean, business cards? Evening, Charlie."
The clerk looked a little less nervous. "Hi,
Spike. The fliers will be ready in a few minutes."
And here he was, criticizing her for business
cards. "Fliers? Isn't that a little declassy?"
"It's 'déclassé' and I'll
have you know this is legitimate business."
Harmony put her expert eye to work. Spike
still sported the same peroxide blonde hair and what looked
to be the same black jeans and fashion mistake work boots.
He had added a different shirt, a dark paisley print on --
what else? -- black that might have been acceptable if she
was in a forgiving mood. "What? Promoting a punk rock
His eyes narrowed. "Don't go there, Harm.
I still haven't forgiven you for my albums."
"Oh, I'm so frightened. What are you
going to do? Stake me right here in front of everyone?"
Harmony almost hoped he'd try. She'd been
practicing Tae Bo ever since she'd discovered vampires could
indeed gain weight and figured some of the kicks might make
Spike realize she wasn't the put on little person who used
to hang around with him. To her disappointment, he merely
Did she really think he was going to whip
out a stake and do her in right here in the middle of Kinko's?
Especially since she was letting her body sink into some pseudo-martial
arts fighting stance? Please. He had better things to do with
his time. "I don't understand why you're still standing
here taking up space. I thought you liked to get your stuff
then eviscerate the help."
She shifted her weight from one leg to another.
"Well, I would…but they made me pre-pay. Doesn't
seem the same if you've already paid for it."
Spike wished he could find the idiot vampire
who'd sired her; delightful thoughts of lingering torture
filled his head. He could probably even get the Scoobies to
help on that one.
"Here you are, Spike." Charlie dropped
a box on the counter. "Sign the invoice and you're good
Not for the first time, Spike was glad Giles
had had the foresight to set up a corporate account here.
"No problem. You guys decided on the
new stationery yet."
Not something he wanted to discuss with Harmony
standing there glaring at him. Maybe he should stake her,
put himself out of his misery. Instead, he opened the box
to make certain the fliers were okay.
They were lovely. Problem was, they were also
for a campus Wicca group called the Daughters of Gaia and
the dance recital they'd scheduled in two weeks. "Uh,
Charlie looked down. "Oops, grabbed the
wrong box. Yours are still in back. Sir? Your fliers are done."
Harmony happily found herself distracted by
the dark-haired man who approached the counter. He was just
the type she'd always favored, the sensitive, poetic-looking
type with deep, soulful eyes. That he was poetic was confirmed
by the book he carried under his arm. It was thick and clearly
Well, to tell the truth, Harmony liked football
players too. But this one she'd look good walking into a party
with. "Thanks," he said. "How much do I owe
While the clerk rang up the bill, Harmony
moved closer. "Ooh, Daughters of Gaia," she said,
whatever that was. The trick worked, though as he turned to
look at her.
"You're a sister?" he asked, brown
eyes checking her out. The smile grew a little wider when
"Uh, no. But it looks interesting."
She moved a little closer. "Maybe you could explain it
You're a Wicca?" Spike asked,
then made that annoying snorting noise of his. "Think
you have the wrong equipment."
For a moment, it looked as if he might know
Spike. That would be bad. If he did, Spike might say nasty
things about her before Harmony had the chance to get him
interested. The moment passed, though, and he smiled a meltable
smile. "I'm helping a friend. I believe one has to be
To Harmony's relief, he turned his back on
Spike and focused his attention where it belonged: on her.
"It's really very interesting."
"Sounds like it. I'm Harmony Kendall."
He held out his hand. "Parker Abrams."
That's why the git looked so familiar; this
was the idiot boy Buffy had had her tragic one-night stand
with. It'd clearly been the use of the bag of broody, sensitive
poofter tricks that had done it, perfect bait for a defenseless
slayer who was mourning over the loss of her broody, sensitive
poofter love. Good thing she'd come to her senses since then.
Now he was practicing his tricks on Harmony.
This should be entertaining.
"So what is this dance recital about?"
she asked. Oh, great. Harmony was getting that gooey expression
she used to put on when she'd want to talk about their "relationship."
All big eyes and listening.
The prat rattled on about dancing as an expression
of a woman's natural beauty, melding with the moon and a bunch
of other crap he must have picked up out of a book. 'Cause
it certainly bore no resemblance to anything he'd see regarding
Wicca in the last century.
And Harmony was eating it up.
Where the hell were his fliers?
He was soooo sensitive. Harmony loved just
listening to him -- the way his mouth formed the words, the
way he acted as if she were the only person around. It was
nice to actually be the center of attention; she deserved
it and didn't get it often enough.
The clerk came back with his change and she
panicked a little, wondering how to keep him from slipping
away. A thought slipped into her mind. If she could get him
alone, maybe she could keep him from never leaving. Of course,
that might well mean she got blood on her new pants and it
might never come out, but some things were worth the sacrifice.
"Um, would you like get some coffee?" she asked.
He smiled at her. "Sounds great. I'm
done here. Are you?"
She looked over at Spike. He was checking
a new box and seemed satisfied this time. "Just one thing."
Harmony marched the very short distance between
her and Spike. "I'm leaving now. I'm going to go have
coffee with Parker because he's much more interesting than
Spike looked up from the fliers. Magic Box?
What was he doing with fliers for a sale at the Magic Box?
"You do that. Take your time. See you in, oh, a century?
But don't rush on my account."
He always had to be mean, ruin everything.
"I'll do that. Here." She dug into her box and dropped
several cards on top of his stupid fliers. "Take those
to remember me by. Be sure the Slayer gets one."
With that, she turned around, all smile. "Ready
Spike was still chuckling as he walked into
the Magic Box. "You are not going to believe who I ran
The assembled Scoobies looked up. "I'm
assuming you're hoping we'll ask who," Giles said.
Dropping the box on the counter, Spike settled
himself onto one of the two bar chairs. "Harmony is back
in town. How she's managed to avoid getting herself staked
is beyond me."
"Harmony?" Buffy wrinkled her nose.
"So not interested."
"Neither am I, pet, if that's what you're
worried about. Charlie was wondering if we'd made a decision
on the stationery yet, Giles."
Giles grumbled, turning back to the books.
"What was Harmony doing?" Willow asked.
"Getting business cards printed, of all
things." He popped the top of the flier box and grabbed
one. "You'll love this."
With a flourish, he dropped the card onto
the research table, grinning as Buffy and Willow leaned forward.
"You have got to be joking," Buffy said. "Master
Vampire? Master Ditz is more like it."
That brought Giles' attention out of the books.
"Harmony is presenting herself as a Master Vampire?"
Spike returned to his place at the counter.
"Hysterical, ain't it?"
"I'm surprised you, of all people, Spike,
don't recognize the seriousness of this. A new master in Sunnydale
is…well, we could be in for some trouble."
"It's Harmony," Willow said, the
surprise in her voice sounding more connected to the idea
Giles would given weight to this than anything else.
"And I can assure you, Rupert, that based
on personal experience, Harmony has no understanding whatsoever
of what a Master Vampire is supposed to be." Spike shook
his head. "Bloody bint has no understanding of vampire
lore period, no matter how hard I tried to tell her. I seriously
doubt she's a threat. Well, maybe to the bloke she picked
up at Kinko's."
"Harmony picked someone up?" Buffy
started to stand. "We'd better go and rescue him. I mean,
death by Harmony? Ewwww."
"It was Parker Abrams."
Buffy sat back down.
"Stinky Parker Man got picked up by Harmony?
Ewwww. Poor Harmony."
"Maybe we shouldn't go rushing off half-cocked,"
Buffy said. "I mean, it's not like we know she's
going to eat him."
"Buffy, I can't believe you're saying
this. We're talking about a human life here."
"Giles, this is the guy I clunked over
the head when I was the cave slayer."
"Oh." Giles began cleaning his glasses.
"Well, we shouldn't let personal feeling get in the way,
but I think I can understand certain feelings of reluctance."
"Can I have a vote?" Spike interjected.
"This Parker git seems like the type who'd keep avoiding
being staked and would be around forever to torture you. He'd
run away rather than face the slayer. Do you really want to
put up with that?"
There was a long pause. "Do I have to
"Comes with the job, pet."
Grumping, Buffy got up and headed for the
training room. "I never get any fun," she groused.
She was definitely going to turn him, Harmony
decided, resting her chin on her hand as she listened to him
talk. The thing that made it so sad," he said, "was
that there was a lot of stuff he didn't get to finish. Like,
he thought there'd always be this future out there, and then
there wasn't. It's made me think about, you know, living for
"That is so sad," Harmony cooed,
not moving her chin from her hand. "You must miss your
dad. And that's really great what you said, about living for
now. It's so deep."
He smiled at her and she felt her insides
melt. "Well, everyone says they get it: "oh, man,
me too, live for today," but what they really want is
an excuse to goof off and not study for finals."
"Oh, I so totally agree with that. It's
not like I have to take finals anymore, but I can understand
why people want out of them."
He blinked prettily at her, a bit confused.
Harmony had this dreadful feeling that she'd said something
wrong. Damn. Why did cute guys get her tongue-tied? "What
I meant, was…"
Parker reached across the table to lay his
hand on hers. "It's okay, Harmony. It's good to be able
to speak your thoughts."
Okay, melt time again. Quick, think of something.
"What's your major?" Good. That was neutral and
he was smiling again.
"Well, I declared pre-med but I hated
it. I switched to History."
"Wow. That's heavy."
He shrugged. "People think it's dull.
But there's something amazing about these huge events, that
when you dig down into them, they're all about people. Regular
people, just trying to make choices."
"Do you have a script you follow, because
I swear I've heard those lines before."
Harmony spun around in her chair. Standing
in the entrance of the near-deserted Espresso Pump was Buffy,
with Spike -- Spike! -- right behind her. "Buffy!"
"You couldn't get the hint, could you,
Harmony? Just couldn't stay away."
"Uh, Harmony, you know these people?"
The look on the stupid git's face was priceless.
Yeah, he recognized Buffy. Probably the only one of his conquests
he ever did remember. Spike decided it was a shame he hadn't
let her bring the ax like she wanted. Might have been a bit
much for a public place, but it would have added to the entertainment
And there was Harmony, opening and closing
her mouth like a fish that'd landed on dry land. Spike wouldn't
mind applying a little stake, but he wasn't foolish enough
to get himself between the Slayer and her quarry at this moment.
Of course, whether that quarry was the vampire
or the jerk was still up in the air.
"You have no right to interrupt us,"
Harmony squeaked. "I mean, I know I'm your mortal enemy…"
"'Mortal enemy?' Get real. Mortal pain-in-the-ass,
perhaps, but you hardly fit in the enemy category. And what's
with even thinking about turning this loser? By the way, hello,
Loser? What did she mean dishing Harmony's
taste in men? "Oh, like you were always Miss Popular
and had boys swooning at your feet."
To her immense annoyance, Buffy rolled her
eyes heavenward. "Remember Angel? We used to date."
"Yeah, deathless love and all that."
At least the dirty look Buffy shot Spike made
Harmony feel a tiny bit better. "I'm in the middle of
a date. I'm going to ask you to leave."
"Right. Parker, you bit off more than
you could chew with this one. Rather, she's going to bite
Parker was standing. "Maybe I should
Harmony stood as well. She couldn't let him
slip away. "No, I'll be done here in a moment."
Turning back to Buffy, she let her game face slide into place.
"That's it. You're going to pay for interrupting."
Buffy held out her hand. Spike, evil grin
on his face, dropped a stake into it. "We'll see about
Harmony hesitated. I am a Master Vampire,
she told herself. I am in control of my unlife. I can actualize
Having recited her personal affirmation mantra,
she lunged, fangs wide.
It was one of the most pitiful tussles Spike
had ever seen, more a catfight than a proper vampire/slayer
battle. Sure, Harmony had fangs, but she seemed more intent
on using her nails, clearly having forgotten every move he'd
ever bothered to show her. Part of him was tempted to step
in and show her how it was done, especially when Buffy grabbed
her hair and gave it a sharp tug. That, however, would only
gain him a sharp look and no goodnight kiss.
Harmony clawed. Buffy sidestepped. Harmony
lunged. Buffy pulled Harmony's hair. Again. Squealing, Harmony
tried to kick Buffy, who casually tossed her into the wall
of the Espresso Pump. Oh, and Parker just happened to be in
Parker's body managed to provide a cushion
between Harmony and the wall. She'd wanted to find herself
in is arms, but this was not the way she'd imagined it. "Parker,
honey, are you okay?"
He looked up at her and screamed. "Get
away from me!"
"But, honey bear…"
Parker was pushing frantically along the concrete,
trying to get away. "Get away, get away, get away!"
Harmony felt her heart break. He'd been so
sensitive and she'd wanted to drown in those dark eyes forever.
Realizing all was lost, she stood up, grabbed her box of cards
and prepared to flee. "This is all your fault. You'll
pay for this!"
Spike rubbed his sore ankle. "You could
have stopped her."
Buffy couldn't seem to stop laughing. "It
was too funny. Has to kick you in the ankle as she runs out."
"Maybe you should have tried to stake
her while she was busy doing it."
"That's Harmony's secret weapon. She
does something so insanely stupid, you just have to stop and
stare while she gets away."
He grumbled some more, but saw he wasn't going
to get much sympathy. "What about him?"
Parker was still on the floor, staring at
them with eyes wide. With a sigh, Buffy moved toward him,
but didn't get too close. "Are you okay? Did she bite
Parker shook his head and Spike caught Buffy's
muttered, "Damn." "What was that?" the
Buffy cocked her head to one side. "Let's
just say that sometimes going for the flow can come back and
bite you in the ass. Or the neck, as it were. Remember that
next time. Might want to get a new script, too. Old one's
getting a bit worn."
Not bothering to help him up, Buffy turned
back to Spike. "I think we're done here."
With a grin, Spike slid his arm around Buffy's
waist and they started across the street to the Magic Box
together. "Still say you should have let me bring the