All About Spike - Believe by Rocky

Believe
By Rocky

Part 9

“Buffy, are you alright?”

I sat up quickly. Principal Wood. Oh no. Boss. Say something! “Sorry.”

“Just making sure you’re alive.”

Alive. Right. I nodded. “Don’t I look like the model employee?” I straightened my hair.

“Seems like you have a lot on your mind…”

I’ve got the weight of the world on my mind, pal. Don’t say that. I managed a slight smile and nod instead.

He had crossed into my cubicle now, pulling the chair out as he spoke, “So, is the schedule too hard for you? The job? Do you stay up all night worrying about the students? Because, no offense, you look like you haven’t slept in days.”

Great. Thank you very much, Mr. Tactful. I pulled my sweater on to hide all the bruises on my arm. I fake-shivered.

“Everything okay at home? With Dawn? Must be hard for the two of you...”

“Oh no, nothing like that.” I answered. “We’re okay.”

He waited. What’s he waiting for? Does he want me to talk to him about… stuff? What stuff? Why is he staring like that? He snapped out of it then, glancing at his watch.

“I’ve got a meeting,” he stood, then said with a smile, “Get back to work.”

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were out here.” I knew he was. I had been looking for him. I had the whole speech planned since noon, and had spent the entire rest of my working-day trying to memorize it. Still, I backed inside again… I had to make it look believable.

He looked back, “You don’t have to go.”

I paused, then came back out the door. He had turned away again, and was looking up at the moon in the otherwise empty sky. I stepped behind him.

“You can sit,” he scooted over, still not looking back. “I won’t bite.”

I sat with a smile, “You can’t bite.”

“Can’t I?” he kept still, but his eyes glanced in my direction.

“Oh,” I moved away a bit. Right. Forgot about all that…

He brought his hand to his mouth, and looked at the ground. We didn’t say anything for a while. I listened to the crickets, and his other hand drumming against his knee. He found words first.

“Watcher tell you about our beastie?”

I nodded, “Big waste of time, is what I heard.” I glanced over at him, “How’s your… um, are you okay?”

His eyebrows perked up as he faced me, “Fine.”

Okay. Start it off. ‘Look Spike,’—that’s how it starts. Go ahead. No better time. It’s quiet again. I took a deep breath. Here we go.

“L—”

“Buffy, I have to tell you something.”

Oh no. The speech. How did it go? I took panicky breaths as Spike went on.

“I saw someone today… while I was waiting for the Watcher.”

That caught my interest. Alright Spike, you’ve got full attention now.

He looked away, taking a deep breath before speaking again, “She… she didn’t say anything. I just saw her… for a short second. Might not have even been there.”

God, get on with it, Spike. “Who?”

He rubbed his hands together, “Either way it’s not good, Buffy. If I’m seeing… seeing ghosts again, it’s bad news.”

I pulled my sweater tighter, hugging my knees. Don’t push him. He’s freaked. Don’t push, just wait. He’ll say it.

“Only for a moment, though. And she didn’t say anything. She was just there… then she was gone. Like that, you know?” he snapped his fingers.

Who? I wanted to shout at him. Okay. Just wait a little longer.

He bit his lip, looking at me again. “She was crying… I think… I think she was crying…” his hand came to his face, fingers pressing into the spot between his eyes.

“Spike, who was it?” I couldn’t wait any longer.

His hand fell, and he squinted at the grass. “The bird…” he sighed, “Willow’s girl… she was there… in the cave…”

“Tara?”

He nodded, rubbing his hands together. “She was only there a second. I’m not insane again. She was gone so fast, I wasn’t even sure…”

My hands tucked between my legs to keep warm.

His hands slid over his head, “’Cause before she came, it was… the chip was… again, and I must’ve just been thinking about her.”

I frowned. Thinking about Tara? Why? I didn’t think Spike ever thought about her… I never thought they were close enough… for him to grieve over or something. Maybe the soul… He stood now, pacing in front of me on the grass. He chewed at his fingers, staring at his feet, mumbling nonsense to himself. Then he focused entirely on me.

“Do you think it was real?” his eyes were wide.

I looked away. He was certainly sounding and looking like Crazy-Spike. “I don’t know, Spike. The First has never been Tara before…”

“You think it was all in my head, then?” he was kneeling in front of me now. “Think I’ve lost it again?”

I tried to be reassuring. “Spike, I think you just imagined it.”

“Because Giles showed up right after, and she was gone again… like the last…” he stopped himself, terrified. His looked so worried. So concerned. What was he afraid of? Has he…

I felt my throat tighten before the words came out, “Spike… have you seen her before?”

He closed his eyes, probably thinking they had given it away. He nodded, opening them again as he spoke, “But it was before… right before I got it. And she didn’t cry then, she just showed up… smiling. And I talked to her, but she didn’t say anything… she just… left.”

He placed a hand on my knee.

“’Cause I didn’t wanna go back… come back here, I mean. Even if I did get it… the soul… I thought it would be better if I just… stayed away from you. Make it right, you know? But after I saw her…” he squeezed his hand tighter around my knee, making me draw in a deep breath. “I had to. She was telling me to… to come back to you…”

I closed my eyes, sitting up straight. This isn’t right. I should have said my speech…

I felt him come closer, “Because you needed me…”

I let air out, opening my eyes. Cold air overpowered me… his air, and my unclenched sweater letting it in. He was so close, staring at my bare collarbone. His hand hovering just below it... where the scar was… Warren’s scar. Oh, God. Don’t, Spike. Please.

He ignored my silent cries, placing his hand over my heart. His eyes closed, and he sighed heavy against me. He leaned in closer, and I closed my eyes when his lips whistled silently, brushing cool air against the scar.

Oh, bad. Again. Why do I keep letting this… I whimpered at his chilling fingers slid down to my stomach, wrapping around my side. Stop him. Time to stop him. My eyes opened, staring wide up at the moon. I sighed, placing my palms into his chest. He lifted his lips away, opening his eyes up into mine.

“I’m sorry…” his eyes were wet, “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay.” I didn’t want to crush him. Just… stop him. “It’s okay, Spike.”

He looked down at his hand, quickly pulling it away. His eyes fell on the scar again, and he closed them, sliding back down to the grass.

“Should have been here…”

I pulled the sweater closed as he stood. The scar was pulsing… throbbing… begging me to let Spike at it again.

“It’s better that you weren’t.”

He nodded, eyes red and swollen. “Right. Better that I was gone…” he wrapped his arms together. “Why she came cryin‘ today... ’cause it’s better when I’m gone.”

I blinked up at him. He wants to go? Where is he gonna go? Not tonight. That’s enough for tonight. I stood, heading for the door. I turned to him as I opened it.

“Time to come in, Spike.”

He came up the stairs, wiping his eyes clear. He stepped inside, and I closed the door behind us.

Spike had gone into the basement when I started looking for Xander. He had just gone out the door to go home, and I stopped him at the tree.

“You told Spike about Tara?”

He shrugged, “Yeah. I’m sorry if it… I thought I was helping, Buff…”

“When? What did you say to him?”

“When he was leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor,” Xander answered, “One night he brought up Tara… he asked about her. Where she was; if she was still into the witchcraft stuff.”

“And Warren… you told him about the shooting?”

He nodded. “I told him all of it, Buffy. You know how I get about my saving-the-world story…”

“Right.”

“He took it pretty hard… when I got to the part about you and Tara, he was just about in tears…” he shuddered, “Have you ever seen that, by the way? Uber-creepy.”

Have I ever seen it? I inspire it daily, Xander.

“He already knew about Willow—said he heard about it when he was traveling. But what really freaked me out was after I told him about my saving-the-world speech. He gave a shocked look first, but then he kinda smiled at me… like he was proud or something.” Xander made a face.

I smiled.

Xander frowned, “That’s the smile! Stop it!”

I laughed, hiding my smile. “It was nice of you to tell him, Xander.” I stopped laughing, “With all the stuff going on… I forgot… that he didn’t know.”

He shrugged. “What can I say? Guess I can’t afford to be the critic these days…”

We stood in silence for a minute. Xander finally broke it.

“Okay, long enough awkward silence for me. See you tomorrow, Buff.”

I washed my face and went out into the hall. I could hear Willow and Kennedy in her room. I went to mine, pulling back the sheets and sliding into them. I sighed. I never got to say the speech, and now I’d forgotten the whole thing.

Better work on a new one tomorrow.

Continued in Part 10